The Problem
If, like me, you are a person with diverse interests, you may find yourself involved in many activities beyond just work, school, and family. As such, you may wake up one morning and be dismayed that your calendar is brimming with morning meetings, lunch dates, evening classes and events that bleed into the weekend. How did this happen?
I retired from a long career as curriculum designer at the end of April. My intention was to write stories every day. But my life has not slowed down enough to make that possible. I still serve on a local board with a commitment to co-chair a committee. At church I sing in the choir that normally rehearses each Wednesday evening. And I chair a committee that meets monthly and plans activities for the congregation. This involves me in a web of other meetings about caring for the environment.
Last week I had lunch with one of my favorite friends from church and told her how busy I seemed to be. She responded, “I thought you were retired.” “Yes,” I replied, “I am.” But I am still involved in many volunteer activities. She commiserated and said she had a similar challenge when she first retired—too many requests for her time. “We do it to ourselves,” she said. She meant we just let ourselves say “yes.”
Women vs. Men
On reflection, I wondered if getting overscheduled by saying yes too many times is something that is more characteristic of women than men. I didn’t know the science, but I suspected that was true. A quick AI query found a study published by the American Economic Review from 2017[1] that demonstrated that women were asked more often and more often accepted low impact tasks such as writing a report or serving on a committee. The authors used an experimental design to study faculty working in higher education. In this context, volunteering decreased their time to spend on research that was essential to their career success.
Another article written by Dan Kopf and published in Priceonomics[2] cites studies that show women consistently volunteering at higher rates than men, though both men and women volunteer more in their 30s and 40s. This uptick is most likely because they have school age children.
Regardless of our gender, we all need to set limits on our time. To do that, we need to be able to say, “no,” and say it without feeling guilty. I’m ready to start practicing. I have a friend in Baltimore who often reminds me that “No” is a complete sentence. She means there is no explanation required. Personally, I feel more comfortable with a longer reply.
A Solution
I have prepared a few ways to answer requests, and share them with you here:
- “Probably not, but let me think about it.”
- “For the foreseeable future, my dance card is full.”
- “That sounds like a wonderul opportunity, but I need to decline.”
- “Thanks, but no,” said while looking into the persons’ eyes and smiling.
The more I can say no new requests, the more time I will have for my research, er, writing.
I’m interested in knowing your favorite way to say no. Let’s limit that to requests outside of your family, where reciprocity is often expected. And don’t include saying no to yourself, e.g., saying no to a second piece of chocolate or a new item of clothes.
How do you say “no” when asked by another to volunteer?
[1] https://www.aeaweb.org/articles?id=10.1257/aer.20141734
[2] https://priceonomics.com/the-altruism-gender-gap/
Thank you for asking. For reasons I care not to discuss, I need to say no.
Another- “I’d rather not”.